


Breaking Me Down

by Wearenotalright



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2014-06-07
Packaged: 2018-02-03 17:32:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1752932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wearenotalright/pseuds/Wearenotalright
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank ends his mentally abusive relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breaking Me Down

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: the events in this fiction ARE true. They're my personal experiences I've dealt with in my (semi) past relationships, they're a mixture of two terrible relationships I was in.
> 
> Though the events are true. I don't own My Chemical Romance. Basically I just tweaked my personal experiences and formed a story with it. Writing this is helping me cope with my abuse. 
> 
> Either way, enjoy my friends. Feedback is always awesome xoel

I woke up and it was raining out, I didn't move the second I woke up because I enjoyed the sound of the rain. For once I didn't have much anxiety, the rain was taking it away. I didn't have much to do today, just a few errands. I didn't have work today, and I was really happy about that. I couldn't bare to see a single face at the state I'm in. I feel completely hopeless and I just want to stay in my bed all day until it's time to sleep again. I don't remember the last time I woke up happy and wanting to get out of bed and enjoy my day. I just want to stay in bed. 

Sadly I can't do that.

Slowly, I get out of my comfortable bed and go over to my desk where my phone was. Not to my surprise my boyfriend hasn't texted me. Whenever he and I get into fights he ignores me for a few days. I have a few emails, a few texts from Mikey, my dad, and my other friend John, but no Gerard. Nothing in my inbox that says "Babe<3". I frown, I wish he would text me. I would normally text him first, but he will just tell me to get lost and to leave him alone, he will say that I'm crazy and to leave him alone for a few days, while he's out doing "his own thing." That's when I know better than to bother him with my baby bullshit. I know better than to get crazy when he's out, because then it'll just lead to more yelling, more words that I don't want to hear. 

Mikey texted me a few minutes before I got up asking if I want to get lunch with him. Weirdly enough, Mikey, my old coworker from the record store is my boyfriend's brother. I replied back to him telling him sure and I'll be by his place at 12:30. 

Mikey and I met through our college jobs at the record store in Hoboken. That was where I met Gerard, Mikey's older brother. I was blown away when I met him. He was this strange guy in his parents' basement, he never really went upstairs when I was there. When he did he would just get a drink and go back to whatever the hell he does doing down there. I would always ask Mikey, cause it was really weird seeing his chubby, quiet older brother that never leaves the house all the time and almost never says a word to us. No one really knows what he does down in his basement. Until one day I asked him. 

_"Hey, Mikey," I said coming into the Way living room, my text books in hand, "what does Gerard do in his basement?"_

_Mikey looked up at me and laughed, "it's better we don't know."_

_Rolling my eyes I replied, "whatever you say. Lets just try to study for our exams."_

_My eyes felt like they were going to bleed if I read anymore of the small print in front of me. After a while none of the work was making any sense and I felt like my head was going to explode._

_"Hey, baby!" My head shot up and I saw Mikey darting out the room with his flip phone in hand. His girlfriend called._

_I knew I had at least 30 minutes of no reading ahead of me. Mikey is always on the phone with his girlfriend for a long time. I got up from the light brown couch and walked around to get my legs to not fall asleep. I'm looking at the walls, a bunch of baby pictures of Mikey and Gerard are all over the walls of the small living room. A lot are school photos, you know the corny pictures of you smiling like an asshole with a stupid background of a forest or a landscape. The 80s were terrible with this shit. It looks so fake. Who were they kidding?_

_I stopped and laughed at one picture that stood out. It was clearly Gerard. It looked like he was in mid dance and he was wearing a fucking Peter Pan outfit. He was in fucking Peter Pan? He has to be around 8 years old here. I was mostly laughing because Peter Pan is normally played by a girl._

_"He looks like such a dork." I said to myself, my eyes still on the old photograph._

_"Mikey and I just changed schools, I wanted to be in something to make friends." I heard a voice say and I jumped from my thoughts. I look to my left and I see Gerard there smiling at me._

_"Shit! You scared me."_

Well, after a few times talking, a hang out session and an awkwardly nervous Gerard calling me and asking me out on a date we started to date and we were a couple. At first I was guilty, being that I'm Mikey's friend and I'm now dating his brother, but when I talked to Mikey about it he laughed at me and said he knew his brother had a little crush on me and he wishes us the best of luck. 

Little did I know what I was getting myself into when I started to date him.

At first it was great, he was everything that I wanted in a boyfriend. He was caring, sweet, loyal, everything that I wanted in someone. He had such passion for everything that he likes. He's an artist and he sees the world in a different light than I do. It's inspiring, it's uplifting, and it feels magic when he's talking. Honestly it's a treat when you hear Gerard speak about the things he's passionate about. 

But then we had a small fight, our first fight. Then everything went sour. It was over something so stupid. My car was in the shop and he had to pick me up from work and he forgot. I was so angry with him. I called him at least 5 times and he still didn't pick up the phone. I had to walk home that night and when he finally answered my calls he was angry with me and said I was over reacting and that I need to stop being crazy. That I'm mentally insane. 

After that day every little thing he did that upset me meant that I was crazy. He would call me crazy for texting him. Asking him where he is, he said I'm not his mom and I need to get off his back. Yet he would ask me the same questions and I would answer them truthfully, putting up with no fight. 

Snapping back from my memories I go into the shower and get ready to see Mikey for lunch. 

\----

"So, how are things?" Mikey said taking a bite out of his sandwich.

"The usual," I mumbled playing with my soup, not really paying too much attention. My eyes kept on my phone, waiting anxiously for Gerard to finally call me.

"That's good, hey, you sure you're okay?" Mikey asked with concern in his voice. "You seem off lately."

"Gerard and I have been fighting a lot lately." I mumbled back not taking my eyes off my (now cold) soup. 

"What else is new." Mikey said rolling his eyes. I didn't see him do it, but I know he did. 

Gerard and I started to become "that" couple. The one that is known to always fight. Whenever we were in a group we would fight all the time. It would only get worse. He would tell the group embarrassing stories about myself. Things I don't want anyone to know. He would just let them roll off his tongue and he would watch the red fill my cheeks and the water fills my eyes, he would laugh. Tell me that I'm being a little bitch and to suck it up. But I was humiliated, things that I only wanted him to know he would tell the world with no regret. 

He loves to humiliate me. Degrade me. Make me feel small, make me cry. He loves it. He gets off on it. 

"I just want things to go back to normal." I said back to Mikey. 

"Yeah. I know you do, dude. Hopefully it'll happen."

I feel sorry for Mikey. He doesn't see how cruel his brother is sometimes. He doesn't see the pain he truly causes me. He doesn't hear what he says to me. He's always throwing insults at me. He's always yelling. I'm scared to speak to him because I don't want to make him angry. I don't want to cause anymore damage to whatever is left of our relationship.

But I'm always just known as crazy. He's made all of our friends think that I'm crazy, even I'm starting to believe it. Even I look in the mirror and see crazy. I also see everything else he calls me. Whore, worthless, spineless. Everything a "caring" boyfriend shouldn't be saying to the person they so-call love. 

After lunch with Mikey I ran around and took care of things that I needed to care for, I did my laundry and some food shopping. Every 5 minutes I was looking at my phone in hopes Gerard would call or text me. If I don't answer him it's the end of the world but he can ignore me for even days at a time and it hurts me so badly. 

Driving in my car on the way back from the food store all I can think about is Gerard and how my entire life started to become him. Everything I do I add him into the equation and it's fucked up that he doesn't do the same. I know he doesn't and I know I should say something but I don't because sometimes it's just easier to deal with him the way he is rather than speak up and say something to him. 

Honestly, I'm scared of him. I'm scared to be called names, I'm scared he will be mean, ignore me, belittle me. Everything he always does to me makes me cry. I cry so much because of him and it kills me how much he doesn't care that I cry all the time. He starts to laugh at it, he laughs at how much pain he puts me in. 

\----

I'm lying in my bed, looking at my phone; begging for it to ring so I can know what I can do for the day. I have this thing where I wait for Gerard and then I plan my day. He gets mad if I do too much without him knowing. I sit at home alone, and wait for him. I just sit and wait and wait for him to tell me what we are doing. Sometimes it doesn't happen and I'm stuck looking at my wall for the longest time, because he didn't call and he was out with his friends. Usually with my money, I always give him money. I make more money than he does, so he's usually short and he always wants to be out and having a good time. He likes to go out without me most of the time. I usually make him have a bad time. 

Right as my eyes start to feel heavy my phone rings and I jump up; it's Gerard. Finally.

"Hello," I said quickly. 

"Hi." Gerard said back bluntly, "what are we doing tonight?"

"I dunno," I replied back chewing my bottom lip. 

"Find plans, want to sleep over?" He said over the phone. 

"Sure." I said back rather quickly to him.

"Good. Text me plans you find for us." He said back to me, I hear ruffling in the back ground. 

"Will do..." I trailed off, "I love you."

"Mhm. Bye." He replied back dryly and hung up.

My heart hurts.

As promised, I found plans for us. We are going to the bar with Mikey, his girlfriend Sam, and our friend Ray. 

It's around 9PM and I start to get ready, I always try to look extra good whenever we all go out. In hopes he won't check out other men and women in front of me. I usually fail, and he does it anyway, making me feel kind of low about myself. If I'm the best looking person in the world like he says why does he always got to look elsewhere? Why can't he look at me? 

I slip on a pair of faded black jeans, a blue (his favorite color) polo and my black vans. I don't do anything with my hair because it's too short to do anything with it. 

I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I'm just looking, things that I would love to change about myself. I'm a little chubby, I'm in no way fat, but I have love handles, not really a Magic Mike looking body. I don't have abs. Most of my body is covered in tattoos. From my upper neck to my legs. I'm practically covered. My love for tattoos was something that Gerard always liked about me. When he met me in college I only had about 5 tattoos. 

As happy as I will be with how I look I leave my bathroom and grab my denim jacket and leave my apartment and leave for Gerard's place. 

We arrive at the bar and it's a little packed. 

"I see Mikey," I said to Gerard walking over to the bar to say hello. 

"Hey guys," I said with a warm smile. 

We sit down and I order myself a beer and Gerard gets a Jack and Coke. 

"Am I paying for you?" I ask as I sip my beer between my lips. 

"Yeah," he says back to me, "I don't really have money."

I nod my head and hand the bartender my credit card and open up a tab.

The night goes by pretty good. I'm mostly talking to Ray about guitars. Him and I both bond over that mostly. Our styles are so different but in some weird way it works for us. 

I keep glancing over to Gerard. Each time I do I see his eyes going by a guys crotch or a girls ass and it makes me angry. Whenever we go out we don't really talk, I learned to do that, seeing whenever we are out together and we talk it ends up with us yelling at each other. Usually when we do it doesn't end well. Until I get so annoyed with him looking at other men and women I say something. 

"Can you at least pretend that you enjoy my body," I whisper over to him so no one else hears. I'm pretty frustrated at this point.

"Shut the fuck up," he snaps back at me. "Go talk to Ray again about your stupid guitars."

Sighing I turn away from him, feeling defeated.

I go back to Ray and talk about this new riff I'm working on, it needs a little work and I know he will be the go to guy to help me fix it.

"It sounds a little flat," I said sipping on my third beer. "I can't get it to sound alive." 

"That's because you suck." I snapped my head back and I see Gerard there laughing. 

"Thanks, really appreciated." I said back angrily.

"Well c'mon, Frankie." He says back. "You work on these so called riffs all the time and they all sound the same."

"Damn." I heard Ray say. 

"You can't even _play_ guitar. I don't expect you to understand." I bitterly replied to him. 

"Well, if I want to learn I know better than to go to you about it." He says laughing at me. "Go get my coat, I want a cigarette." 

Rolling my eyes I get up from the stool and almost fall. "Fucking short idiot." I heard Gerard say.

"You're just gonna let him talk to you like that?" Sam said in disbelief. 

"It's whatever, he just gets like this sometimes." I said defending him. Not even looking at her, we both know she's right, that it's not ok for him to talk to me like this, and I just take it. 

I come back from getting his jacket and I see him talking to some girl and my cheeks feel red with angry and jealously.

"Can I come with you?" I ask handing over his jacket.

"No." He snapped back at me leaving to smoke, the girl follows him. 

"I would never let Mikey talk to me like that." I heard Sam say as I sat back down on the bar stool. 

"It's whatever." I mumbled not trying to show anyone that I'm jealous that Gerard just went to smoke alone with a random girl. 

"No it's not." Sam retorted back to me. "He just left with another girl. Right in front of you. Does he even respect you at all?" She says to me. 

"He does!" I said back quickly. "I trust him."

"I wouldn't."

I knew she was right. I didn't want her to be right but I knew she was fucking right and it made me so depressed. Right now I just want to die. 

I've been pretty depressed for the past year. Mostly feeling really low about myself. Sometimes when you hear someone call you names and say horrible things to you, you start to believe them. You start to see the imperfections. You see everything they tell you. You see a whore. I've had sex with a total of 40 men and women combined. You start to see crazy, why am I always worried? Why do I ask him a million questions all the time? Why can't I just get off his back? You start to see yourself with no talent. I'm in my mid 20s. If I was going to be a famous guitar player I would be by now. You start to see the imperfections, Gerard always pokes at my chubby body. Saying I should work out more, that it's not cute. It's no wonder why his eyes are on other people. I mean, who would want me? Really, I'm disgusting. 

My eyes start to water up and I have to leave for a moment. I push past Gerard, who just got back from his smoke with his new friend and leave to smoke a cigarette myself. So I can let my tears fall with no one to knowing about it. 

I don't expect him to follow me and ask what's wrong. He never comes. He always thinks I over react and it always leads to him talking down to me. He always expects me to just not have any feelings and just be numb all the time and listen to him like a good boy. 

He's starting to really break me down. 

I exhale the Jersey air deeply and snicker at the cold. It's summer time in New Jersey but I get cold easy and at night it can get pretty cold. Seeing you're right next to the ocean it just happens to get windy and cold. For me, at least. 

I dig through my pockets and I grab my cigarettes and I put one between my lips and light up my cancer; taking in a long drag I lean my body against the brick wall and let my tears fall down faster than before, unable to stop them now. 

Why does he have to be so mean? Why can't he be nice again? What did I do? I have all these questions and no answers. I can't ask him these, he'll lash out at me and it'll lead to him calling me a crazy asshole. Tell me that I'm mentally insane. Make me feel like total shit about myself. I can't take it anymore. 

"You're better than this," I open my eyes and I see Ray standing in front of me. 

"I love him." I simply said barely above a whisper. 

"Frankie," he starts, "anyone who loves you wouldn't talk to you like that. It's all the time! He's always putting you down."

"I know he loves me," I said defensively. 

"Frank," he leans closer to me so no one can hear, "he loves to bring you down. He loves to embarrass you. He doesn't love you as a person."

"I-" 

"Don't even defend him like you always do," he says cutting me off, "Gee's my friend and I've known him for a long time. But he's just not good with relationships. He's tearing you down."

I don't even say anything to him, I know he's right. I know he's so fucking right. I don't want to believe it. I don't want to believe that he's right and it's going to get better. Truth of the matter, if it was going to get better it would by now. I'm too scared to leave though, I don't want to be alone. 

As horrible he makes me feel, and as bad as he breaks me down, I still can't picture my life without him. I still can't picture being without him. I can't see myself with anyone else. 

I feel like there's bricks on my chest and I can't breathe, I can barely see. I know it's not from the beer either. Hearing Ray tell me the things that I've been pushing past me is getting me sick. 

I push past Ray and start to leave the bar. Yelling behind him to take care of my tab, that I gotta leave. 

I start to walk away from the bar and try my best to catch my breath. I'm trying to think straight but I don't think it's going to happen. I have too much to think about and it's not stopping. My head is screaming. My brain is yelling at me to stop this relationship and that Ray is right and that I'm better than this. That I deserve more, that Gerard fucked up and I'm better than this and I deserve someone who doesn't break me down and treat me like I'm an object. In the way and worthless. 

I don't know it happened, but I'm at my fathers house. I don't even remember how I got here but I hitch my breath and walk into my fathers home, tears still down my face. I didn't even bother whipping them. My dad is one of the few people that I actually trust. 

My dad is hands down my best friend in the entire world. I've always looked up to him. Even though my mom and dad got divorced when I was 8 years old they maintained a friendship. They tried their best for me at least. Sometimes I would hear them fight about who gets me this weekend or for a holiday. It kind of makes you feel shitty, you don't feel like you have parents. Just two babysitters who don't really care. I knew deep down that the only reason they were even married in the first was because of me. 

"Frankie?" I heard my dad say in a yawn walking down the stairs, turning on the light, "is everything alright, son?" 

I sighed deeply and sat down on his couch. "I'm a little drunk." 

"I can see that," he chuckled. "What's the matter, bud? You're crying." 

I laughed. I couldn't help it. I'm fucking crying at my dad's house, drunk. All because of Ray and his logical sense and I'm too much of a little bitch to open my eyes and see. I'm just blind, I guess. 

"I have something I have to tell you," I choked out. 

My dad's face turned into concern and said, "what is it? Are you hurt?"

"It's Gerard, dad. He's fucking horrible." I said looking at my dad's coffee table. It needs to be cleaned. 

"What do you mean?" He says sitting down next to me. 

"He's just - he puts me down a lot I guess you would say. We fight too much." I explain through my tears. 

"He doesn't hit you, does he?" My dad said, anger rising in him. 

"No!" I yelped, "god no."

"Frank," he shifted so he's looking right at me, he lifts up my chin so I'm looking right in his eyes. "You understand that this could lead to him hitting you. He's already broke you down. I've noticed how you've changed lately... It's like you're always on your toes. You're glued to your phone when you come to dinner and if _Gerard_ tells you to come home you jump up and leave. I'm really worried." My father says and I lose it and cry like a baby. 

"I love you, dad," I sobbed into his chest, "I don't know how it got this bad." 

"It's ok, son, you can get out." He whispers into my hair. I can feel his heart breaking. 

"So help me god Franklin, if I find out he hits you I'm going to kill him." He stats as I pulled away from his embrace. 

"Oh, c'mon, old man, what you going to do?" I laughed, teasing him. 

"Where do you think you got that Iero iron fist huh?" He said standing up laughing. I can always count on my dad to make me laugh, I let out a chuckle. 

"Do you want to spend the night here?" He said yawning, I know he wants to go to bed. 

"Yeah," I nod, "that would be great." I replied standing up giving my dad another hug, my crying finally stopped. 

"Thanks dad." I said patting his back. 

"Anytime, son." He said with a broken smile. 

I walk up the stairs with my dad and go into my old room from when I lived here. When I was 16 I moved in with my dad. Nothing against my mom or anything but my dad didn't mind when I played my guitar too late.

Every since I moved out my dad hasn't touched my room since. 

Most of my stuff is still in my room, my bed is still there with the sheets and blanket on it. A few clothes that I left. Thankfully for me I haven't grew in years or gained any weight so I can get changed into PJs. My walls still have all of my old band posters all over the walls. Flyers from when I was in a band. Myself and my friend John all hand drew the flyers. We always tried to make it a little artistic, going with the sound we had. I loved Pencey Prep. It was so much fun, filled with a lot of emotion. I poured my heart into that band. All the heart break, the pain of high school. It all drained into that band. It was such a beautiful release when I went on stage and I got all these feelings out of the way. I felt like a new person after every show. 

I put on PJs and I lay on my bed and drift off into a deep dreamless sleep. 

\---

The next week is spent with Gerard at my side every second of the day. I caved and I went running to him after I left my dad's house the next morning. He said he was sorry and he was going to make it up to me and that he was going to change and stop being so mean to me. So far it's been good, but at any time it can change and he can turn his back on me. 

Though Gerard is not happy with Ray at the moment because he's blaming Ray for me doubting our relationship. It's not Ray's fault and I hope soon Gerard will see that and he'll talk to him again. It's his fault, not Ray's. Ray didn't start to belittle me and make me feel like shit. It was him. 

I'm still very scared at every step I take. I feel his eyes on me all the time. I feel like I'm a science project or something. He's just watching me until I fuck up. Naturally it's going to happen soon, I know it will. This won't last very long. Usually for only two weeks and he will be back to the Gerard I know. The one who tells at me and says I'm a stupid worthless whore. It's only a matter of time. 

 

And that day was today and it was the worst it's ever been. My dad was right. He hit me. He didn't beat me though - he just slapped me. I could deal with the slap, I can't deal with that he did it though. The fact that he would do it blows my mind. Am I really worthless? Am I really only worth this? Who hits someone you claim you love? I can't wrap my head around it. I would never do that to him. 

So here I am - sitting on my couch as Gerard showers in my apartment. He hit me about an hour ago and I told him to leave, but he won't leave. He said he can't trust me. He saw I was texting Ray about something and accused me of hooking up with him. I told him I would never cheat on him and he should stop being paranoid. 

That's when I was stupid and said to him that the only people who are paranoid are the people who are cheating. So in a passive aggressive way, I accused him of cheating on me. That's when he slapped me, calling me a mentally insane asshole. 

I fucking hate being called mentally insane. I get called it daily. 

"Why are you so fucking quiet?" Gerard asked when he got out of the shower. 

"Why do you think? You fucking hit me!" I hissed not moving from the couch, not looking at him. 

"Well, if you didn't piss me off that wouldn't happen. How dare you say I'll cheat on you!" He yelled back. 

I got up from the couch, "well seeing all you do is talk to girls and guys, check them out, act shady as fuck, it's kind of easy to do it." I simply said, going into my kitchen. 

Hearing his footsteps follow he says to me, "you're mentally insane you know that!" He snaps, grabbing my wrist, "no one would ever fucking want you." He snarls at me, inches away from my face. 

"You're so fucking pathetic, _Frankie_ , so fucking worthless. That's why I hit you. That's why I slapped your pathetic, ugly ass."

I put my head down and walk out my apartment, my heart aching with pain. I can't bare to hear his venom spill out on me. 

To my surprise I see Mikey and Ray at my door. Both of their faces pale and shocked. 

"Did I - " Ray started but he couldn't finish, Mikey was already pushing past both of us, going into my apartment. 

"Mikey -" Gerard said looking shocked to see his little brother. 

"Don't," he starts, "you fucking hit Frank?" 

"No." Gerard said back quickly, both Ray and I watching the scene like it's a movie. 

"Bullshit!" Yelled Mikey. "I fucking heard you say it!"

Gerard doesn't say anything. He just stands there. For the first time since I met him that day at Mikey's house in college, Gerard looks helpless and defeated. He can't even bare to stand up to Mikey. He doesn't even look at him. He just looks at the floor. 

\---

Since that day I left Gerard for good. Granted I had some slip ups. I would text him. Telling him that I found a shirt or something stupid. Usually he wouldn't answer. I missed him. I know it shouldn't miss him, either. The abuse, mental and physical play into my head. I can't stop them. They always play in my head. With  
Support from my friends they help me say by day to forget about Gerard. 

Most of the days I spend working and seeing Mikey and Ray. Mikey refuse to talk to Gerard until Gerard agrees to go into therapy to help stop his abusive behavior. He denies needing it so the Way brothers are no longer talking. I felt terrible at first, begging for Mikey to talk to him and that I'm sorry and it's all my fault that the are not speaking to each other. Mikey told me that it's not my fault and that he simply doesn't want to talk to his brother because he's abusive and he has no respect for him. No respect for anyone who will abuse someone they love. 

Months go by and I start to feel better day by day. I can finally go out again. I'm not looking to date anyone at the moment but it feels good to just be out again and enjoying myself. I've even started to play the guitar again and got a new band together. After my breakup with Gerard I went into a terrible depression, worse than the depression I was already living with. So bad to the point where I needed to see someone to cope with this. My therapists name is Lily and she's wonderful, she doesn't judge me and she gives me the best advise to help me get over this. She's the one who suggested that I start playing music again because she knows how much I love playing and how good it makes me feel. 

She started to make me see that this isn't my fault and all the horrible things I feel about myself aren't true and that I'm a great person. That I should never let anyone make me feel like I'm not anything less than perfect. She's such a blessing. All thanks to her I can look into the mirror and actually like the person staring back at me. I don't see some worthless whore, that's mentally insane. I see a strong man who's been through a lot and that one day I'll make some girl or guy the happiest person alive. I'll never let anyone walk all over me again. I'll never let someone humiliate me in public again. I'll never let someone hit me. Never again will I let someone speak down to me and make me feel horrible about myself. Never again will I feel ugly. 

I'm backstage at the club I'm about to play at. My new band, Lathermouth is about to play. My band is almost like a therapy for me. Even though I don't play guitar, I'm actually the frontman, it's still the happiest I've ever been. It's such a release for me. It's raw and angry and all the emotions that I could never express before because I was numb for too long. 

"Hey, dude, I don't want to bring you down but look at the crowd." John said, nudging me to look at the small club we are about to play in. 

I almost feel like I'm dreaming when I see Gerard is there - front row. It doesn't look like he's with anyone so he's clearly here for me. It's not like I'm hiding that I'm in a band. My band is on Soundcloud and it clearly says that Frank Iero is the frontman in the band. He must of heard it from the Internet. Mikey and Ray clearly know about my band, but Mikey doesn't talk to him and just like Mikey, Ray lost respect for him.

He's left alone now, he lost it all. He lost everything and everyone. 

"You going to be ok?" John said, snapping me from my thoughts. 

"Yeah," I replied with a smirk. "I'm more than fine."

After a few minutes we get the cue that we are due to be on stage, we give each other a group hug and run out onto the state. My lung feel so clear and I can't stop the smile on my face. 

I can barely see, the lights are blinding me and there's smoke all over the place from smokers. It smells just like any other club we played in, cigarettes and beer. It's a smell that comforts me at this point. I love the smell. It reminds me to be the best person that I can be. To be where I belong, on stage. 

"We're Leathermouth!" I yell into the mic, scanning the club. "Are you ready to get really fucking nuts?"

The crowd reacts positive and cheers for us to start the show. My eyes land on Gerard and I give him a smile.

"How many of you been fucked over? How many of you wanted revenge?" I ask pacing around the stage. 

The crowd cheers me on and my heart warms up. The blood is boiling in my body and I feel complete. For the first time in my entire life, I'm complete.

"You want to know the best revenge? Fucking being happy, singing your heart out. Show that motherfucker how much better you are without them! This song is called Murder Was The Case They Gave Me; it's for someone who fucked me over. Lets fucking go!" I yell into the ground. John starts up the song and I can already feel my adrenaline pulsing through me.

I start jumping and I let the music take over me. 

"I tried so hard to keep it together..."

I'm jumping around and trashing around like an animal. Something awakes in me when I'm on stage, almost like I'm a new person, all my emotions, my pain, my sorrows, it's just spilled out. Knowing I'm singing the song that I wrote about Gerard right in front of him makes this all so much better. It makes it all worth it. Even if I never go anywhere with the band and we stay in small clubs for the rest of the time we are a band, it's all worth it. I got my revenge. My closure. 

"I am your nightmare. I am the shape in the dark. I am your ending. Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust! God knows, I've had better!" I scream into crowd. Inches away from Gerard's face. Screaming the words right at him. 

After the song finishes I go near the drum set and take a sip of my beer. I look over my shoulder and I see that Gerard is leaving and I smile at my revenge. He now knows what it feels like to be small; to feel less than human. The years of pain, tears, sadness are all removed from my body. Gerard will never haunt me ever again. Gerard will never hurt me again. 

My heart feels free. I feel free again. I feel human and I feel like I can do anything that my heart desires. For the first time in years I can smile and it's not fake. 

I'm Frank Iero and I survived.


End file.
